Post by Anvil Chucker on Sept 18, 2013 10:24:27 GMT -5
The Rockies have announced the acquisition of infielder Jeff Keppinger from the Queen City Red Legs. The move was widely praised by the Rockies concession staff.
"Kepp's just got that swagger, you know?" commented senior Nachist Oaky Squawkenbusch. "When he digs in that spike and violently erases the edge of the batter's box, you know he's business."
"You gotta look beyond the basic stats," added chief Wienerticist Colby Jacque. "Look at his xFIP. That's FIELDING INDEPENDENT, bitches!"
"There's also the sex factor," chimed in Cotton Candologist Kandee Kain. "You just take one look at him and think 'Throw me down on the basepaths and have your way with me. Fill me with your royal seed.' Whew, it's getting hot in here. Is the air conditioning working?"
Rockies GM discounted the idea that Colorado obtained Keppinger to bolster the sex appeal of the team. "There are some teams around the league that like to load their rosters with a bunch of pretty boys. I hate to name names, but Boston and Ceresco come to mind. They have players reapplying mascara during the 7th inning stretch. That crap doesn't fly in Colorado, the land of real men."
Why, then, did the Rockies pursue Kepp?
"Honestly, we felt that he was the best candidate to bring balance to the force."
"Kepp's just got that swagger, you know?" commented senior Nachist Oaky Squawkenbusch. "When he digs in that spike and violently erases the edge of the batter's box, you know he's business."
"You gotta look beyond the basic stats," added chief Wienerticist Colby Jacque. "Look at his xFIP. That's FIELDING INDEPENDENT, bitches!"
"There's also the sex factor," chimed in Cotton Candologist Kandee Kain. "You just take one look at him and think 'Throw me down on the basepaths and have your way with me. Fill me with your royal seed.' Whew, it's getting hot in here. Is the air conditioning working?"
Rockies GM discounted the idea that Colorado obtained Keppinger to bolster the sex appeal of the team. "There are some teams around the league that like to load their rosters with a bunch of pretty boys. I hate to name names, but Boston and Ceresco come to mind. They have players reapplying mascara during the 7th inning stretch. That crap doesn't fly in Colorado, the land of real men."
Why, then, did the Rockies pursue Kepp?
"Honestly, we felt that he was the best candidate to bring balance to the force."